Paul, from Edinburgh, shares with us the phone call that changed his story and ensured he was here to celebrate Christmas with loved ones.
"I know how difficult Christmas can be when you don’t feel able to join in with the celebrations. There’s such a focus on socialising and having a good time, and if you’re not able to join in, it can feel very lonely.
"When I was younger, working in London in advertising, there was this huge focus on socialising, going out, drinking; it was like that throughout the year but at Christmas, even more so. I suffered a head injury from a freak surfing accident when I was 16, which triggered a massive epileptic seizure and left me in a coma for a day. I recovered completely and had no further seizures.
"But then, at age 25, while working in advertising in London, the stress of deadlines, late nights and a heavy drinking culture triggered a big seizure. I was at work and I split my head open on the corner of a desk. It was after this incident that I was then diagnosed with epilepsy and was put on life-long medication.
"My work had been a huge part of my identity and my social life - leaving university and getting a job in advertising had been a big achievement. I was young, living in the city, doing my dream job. But epilepsy changed that, really overnight. Aside from the adjustment of having to identify as someone who has a disability and the changes in lifestyle and anxiety around having seizures, the key impact on my emotional health was that I was no longer allowed to drink alcohol.
"Suddenly, I became socially isolated - both at work and with my flatmates and friends. At work it was typical for us to go out to the pub at lunchtime, have a couple pints, go back at work till late. We held the advertising accounts for some big alcohol brands, so after hours there was typically a free bar at work too."
It really was that ‘work hard, play hard’ cliché. And, at that age, it was hard for friends to empathise with what I was going through and how my life had changed so drastically.
"In time, I was made redundant from my job and by Christmas I’d become really withdrawn from my social circles. I knew I was struggling, but I didn’t feel I could speak to anyone about how I was really feeling. Normally, I might have spoken to my mum but she was recovering from a mini-stroke, and she’s always been a bit of a worrier. So I didn’t want to add to the stress she was under.
"That’s where the Samaritans came in. I remembered seeing the posters - at that time they looked like ads for a breakdown service, and they said things like “a problem shared is a problem halved.” They made the idea of calling Samaritans seem less daunting, like it was OK for someone like me to call. So I plucked up the courage and rang.
"Being able to talk about what was going on was a huge sense of relief. The person on the other end of the phone was so patient and warm - just like those posters made me feel. She listened and when I spoke about not feeling able to talk to anyone in my life and not wanting to worry my mum, she asked if I thought my mum would want to know and gently encouraged me to reach out to her.
"After that phone call, I rang my mum and told her what was really going on. It felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. A couple of weeks later, I was back home, visiting my mum for Christmas, no longer feeling so alone.
"It might not sound like much - a phone call - but that phone call to Samaritans really was a turning point for me. If I hadn’t reached out I’m not sure what I would have done, probably turned to drinking which, given my epilepsy and the medication I was on, could have been really dangerous. I could easily have spun out of control.
"But instead, that phone call changed my story. A little while after Christmas a friend reached out to me and suggested I try a change of scene in Edinburgh. She worked for a disability charity and put me in touch with Epilepsy Scotland for support. I went onto volunteer then work for them, supporting their youth group. I found a new career, going onto work for several more charities and get my Masters in Community Education. Now I’m a youth worker with YMCA Edinburgh."
Throughout all that time, I’ve kept my experience of calling Samaritans with me and it’s brilliant to now be in a position to support young people and to be that non-judgemental, listening ear for them, just like someone was for me.
"Moving to Edinburgh also led me to meet, fall in love with and marry a girl who accepted and encouraged me. I went onto get brain surgery for my seizures, something that has had a huge impact on my life, including allowing me to become a dad.
"Before successful surgery, I would never be able to be left alone with the baby. As each day passes without a seizure, my wife's anxiety and my anxiety around when I'll next have a seizure lessens. The recovery was hard, and I struggled with anxiety after the surgery, but with support my life has been transformed. And this Christmas, I’ll be celebrating with my wife and 3-year-old son.
"Christmas will be special this year, especially as our wee boy is getting old enough to start understanding what it’s all about and enjoy the decorations, the presents, dressing up. But I know how much pressure people can feel to make Christmas ‘perfect’, to go out and have a good time - and how isolating that can be if, for whatever reason, you don’t feel able to join in the celebrations.
"For anyone who is struggling, I’d say remember it’s okay to admit you’re not okay - even at Christmas. Don’t let that pressure to have a picture perfect Christmas stop you from reaching out and speaking about how you’re really feeling, whether that means talking to family, friends or a helpline like Samaritans. Just taking that step to talk can make all the difference, it really can be life-changing.
"Whether it’s Christmas day - or any day of the year - we can all struggle at times in our lives and none of us know when we might need that listening ear to be with us in our most difficult moments. That’s why it’s so important Samaritans continue to be there, 365 days (and nights) a year."
View the full press release for our 2021 Christmas campaign here.