Kate from Meath says calling Samaritans gave her hope during a difficult time with her mental health.
“I’ve had a wonderful life in many ways," shares Kate, "And a lot to be grateful for – education, a family and friends that love me, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. Having all these things made it hard for me to accept that I was not feeling ok. I always felt like I would come across as ungrateful, so I would keep everything to myself, and let it spread like mould.
“I have struggled with anxiety since I was very young. I got bullied a bit in school, and online, when that became a thing. I wasn’t a straight A student whatsoever, I was just trying to get by. University was so difficult for me at times. Between the laughs and conversations, I would seclude myself and act like everything was fine. I constantly walked in the shadow of what people would think of me – what if they found out what was actually going on in my head?
“Around that time, I had some really negative experiences in my life, with men, and I had some life-changing moments. Shortly after is when I first experienced the unnerving feeling that I didn’t want to be here anymore. These thoughts consumed my day-to-day life; my favourite songs became a funeral playlist, my short sleeves became long ones, and my appetite began to fade away. Everyday, it felt like I had lead blocks on my feet and I just wanted some sort of relief. My brain told me my loved ones would be better off without me. Some part of me wanted to die."
Throughout my life, my experiences have shaped me into the person I’m supposed to be. This is a perspective I couldn’t have developed without reaching out, to get help from others, like Samaritans and then starting therapy. The hardest step to take is to tell someone you’re struggling.
Kate
“I still remember the day I took the right step, and I phoned Samaritans. Sitting on the bathroom floor, as I phoned the number, my brain was going 100 miles an hour, wondering what if – what if someone knows I called? What if I’m overreacting? What if I’m crazy?
“But that call to Samaritans was my first step to getting better. I felt like I had lost myself, I was in a crisis and I just needed someone to talk to, I didn’t want to burden anyone. Talking to a Samaritan, I didn’t feel like I was a burden when I shared my thoughts and whatever was festering inside my head. At that moment, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore, even if I was on the phone on the bathroom floor.
“Samaritans do something amazing by being there for anyone in crisis or feeling down. Nowadays, we’re all under so much pressure and we’re so disconnected from each other, in a world that is all online. That’s why Samaritans’ work is so important – they help those who are struggling to feel less alone in this big world.
“I’m so happy I reached out for help. Things changed after that; I started going to therapy, I tried medications and found one that works for me. And, the most difficult thing for me, I began telling my friends and family when I was struggling and needed help."
Right now, I still have those bad days, but it doesn’t mean I have a bad life. I am on a couple of medications that work for me, I go to therapy, and I keep a list on my phone of all the little things in life that I absolutely love, one of them being eating the half-popped popcorn kernels at the bottom of the bowl!
Kate
“I take more time to slow down now, try to enjoy the little things every day. Things I may never have noticed before. Learning how to accept my emotions rather than hide them has helped a lot. Taking that first step in reaching out is the hardest part, I still cry it out.. but then I reach out.
“To cope, I started writing poems – some good and bad, but it’s about creating something. I used to self-harm and now, if I get those feelings, I create something instead.
“I still struggle sometimes and sometimes I feel like the flower of hope has wilted, but on those days, I need other people to water it and that’s ok. It’s kinda like the phrase ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. Sometimes you just can’t do it alone.
“This year, I ran the Vancouver Half Marathon for Samaritans Ireland. I had no running experience until I started to try jogging, then training, a few months beforehand. I said I’d do it because if I can get through what life has thrown at me so far, I can get through anything. So, I did it for everyone Samaritans supports, for those who can’t see tomorrow, and for younger me. My parents surprised me at the finish line after flying from Ireland. They were standing there waiting for me, arms open. I cried so much because they knew what it meant to me, that I made it. It was a significant achievement for me, to be able to look back at how far I’ve come.
“Looking forward to the future was so difficult when I was in those dark places a few years ago, I couldn’t imagine living to tomorrow, let alone being 27! The future is still not a clear picture for me, but now I know it’s there.”
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