Laura’s story

“My journey with mental health started before I even realised I was struggling. As a young teenager, I was anxious. I’d always be particularly nervous around social events – to the point of sickness. I felt terrified of being on my own emotionally rather than physically. It really drove my personality and I’d be terrified of friends leaving me.

“I grew up with this low-level depression and it continued when I was at uni. In 2016, I was in my second or third year of Uni. When I was 21, I had just come out of a toxic relationship and this led to me spiralling into a deep depression. I felt very alone and had a small number of people I could rely on. When I couldn’t rely on them any longer, I thought there was no one I could speak to. I tried therapy through Uni but it didn’t work out. I was scared – I’d had a very negative experience of therapy through the NHS. I was later diagnosed with PTSD – I was in an extremely vulnerable state.

“All day I’d be around people but when it came to the night times, I’d be awake and ruminating and spiralling further. That’s when I turned to Samaritans. That was the time of the day I found I struggled most. Often at 2 or 3am, I would ring a friend and they wouldn’t answer. Everything about me would panic and I felt like I couldn’t go on; I was very clearly suicidal. I’ve always said I didn’t want to end my life, I’ve never made plans to do it, but there was always a thought that if I didn’t wake up in the morning it was the ideal situation. I didn’t take action, but I didn’t want to be here anymore, I didn’t want to be around.

“They didn’t cure my mental health issues, I still live with them today. Having someone there to support me and to listen to my concerns meant a lot to me. Even when you speak to friends and family, they will try and offer advice or opinion. That’s not what I needed at the time. Being greeted by a voice at the end of the phone felt so comforting. Being anonymous was really important for me too.

“Friends and family want to help and think that giving suggestions or advice is them trying to do that. They know you as a person and have opinions on your emotions and actions. They will know the context of your life. Realistically, I just wanted someone to hear me for me.

“I called a few times over the course of that period. I didn’t feel guilty about saying what I truly felt or that I was putting pressure on that person because that’s what they were there for.

“I do believe there’s every possibility that Samaritans saved my life – if I hadn’t had those conversations or spoken to the volunteers, I wouldn’t have been able to portray what I was feeling and I could have spiralled further.

“After my calls with Samaritans, I had more therapy which ultimately pulled me away from those darker thoughts and feelings. I am constantly working on my mental health today – I’m always learning and growing; learning how to deal with emotions rather than get rid of them. I still go to therapy today and it’s brilliant for me.

“When I signed up for the marathon, I was nervous, to say the least! It's a REALLY long way to run and as someone who literally couldn't run for more than two minutes at a time when I started training the idea of actually completing a 26.2 mile run is still unthinkable to me. That being said, I was excited to be able to run with thousands of others, as well as the other Samaritans runners, and be cheered on by huge crowds.

“The training was really tough, but I'm incredibly proud of where I have come. I started my training with a couch to 5k and in the beginning, I didn't think I'd be able to even run 5k let alone 42k! The day itself was something else. I was running along and as soon as I saw my family, I started sobbing. I thought – I’ve got 20 miles to go, I need to pull myself together!

“To anyone who is struggling like I was, if you feel alone, Samaritans is a great first port of call. An excellent place to voice your emotions and how you’re feeling – you might even learn something about how you’re feeling by verbalising it. I know that calling someone is terrifying but it’s exactly what Samaritans are there for. Getting help if you need it is really important. The first step is one of many you can take. It might feel the hardest but I recommend doing it – it’s helped me get to where I am today which is a much better position.”

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