Gareth’s story

For a long time, I didn't talk about the causes of my mental health problems, and I think that was part of the problem. A lot of what has happened to me stems from childhood trauma, which I buried away. This then escalated into anxiety issues and depression, and I've since been diagnosed with complex PTSD. Sadly, because I hadn’t disclosed what had happened to me, a lot of the treatment I received through the NHS was trial and error, and I didn’t get to the root cause of the problem.

I've called Samaritans a few times throughout my life when it's been difficult to get the support I’ve needed through mental health services.

Things really came to a head for me in September 2023. I had separated from my partner six months before, but we were still living together, which was difficult. I was also unhappy in my job and found my work environment quite toxic. I wasn't getting the support that I needed from the organisation or my manager. I think the pressures of work along with the relationship breakdown combined at the same time and was too much.

I was away on a work trip for a few days and the company had put us up in a hotel.
There was an expectation one night that everyone would go out drinking. I don't usually drink alcohol, as it's something I've used in the past as a coping mechanism, though not to the point of addiction. However, on this particular night, because of the expectation of colleagues, I thought I would just have a couple. However, before I knew it, it was late in the evening, and I was drunk.

I went back to my hotel room and felt that everything was getting on top of me. I was in a bad place at that point and contemplating doing something drastic. It was at this point that I reached out and called Samaritans, as I had done many years ago.

Over the course of the next week, I called about four times. Nobody told me what to do with my life, but rather they acted as a sounding board. Through the course of those calls, I started to realise what was putting me in this stressful situation and that there were things I could do something about. I decided to formulate a plan: get a new job, get my divorce sorted, sell my house, and get myself fit, healthy and active again.

My running club were incredibly supportive. There are a few guys there who helped me so much, coming out with me when I wanted to do longer training runs – they were incredible.

I also needed to lose weight and since the start of the year I think I've lost just under three stone. If you do enough running and training for a marathon the weight drops off. It’s not the easiest weight loss programme but it worked, and I feel so much better for it.

Getting out to Berlin was quite an ordeal. My flight from Bristol was delayed, so I missed my connection in Amsterdam. I had to take a rather cramped overnight bus to Hamburg, which I tried to sleep on, and then a train from Hamburg to Berlin. I arrived 15 hours later than I expected, but I managed to get there on time and get my number. People say when you do a marathon you need to eat well, sleep well and have no stress in the 24 hours before – I did none of that.

I think in a weird kind of way it emphasised the resilience that I've built up over the past 12 months. The me from a few years ago might have gone to pieces. But I thought nothing is going to stop me from getting there, I’ll do whatever it takes. In a way I’m as proud of getting to the start line just as much as actually doing the marathon.

You can't underestimate a marathon; it’s just so physically demanding. I ran the last couple of miles with a guy from Canada. I had never met him before and I haven't spoken to him since, but we just encouraged each other. I've actually got a video of us crossing the finish line and me bursting into tears and he put his hand on my shoulder and just said, “well done.”

I’ve come a long way in the last 12 months. On social media, especially Facebook, you get those notifications about your memories from previous years. I had one pop up from this time last year and it was a photo I'd taken of myself. It was just that comparison of thinking, wow, I look so much different now. Now I can see a happiness in my eyes which I didn't see in those photos.

I’ve now changed jobs, finalised my divorce, and I’m in the middle of selling my house. I lost weight, got fitter and ran a marathon. I’ve achieved what I set out to do, so I’m now setting myself some new goals. My main one is to just be happy. You attract what you give out and if I can be happy in myself then whatever else happens, I can deal with.

I spent a lot of my life not talking about the problems that I had and I think I was a victim of toxic masculinity; I hate the phrase, “man up.” I took the approach that men don't talk about this stuff and tried to deal with things myself. But by doing so my problems got worse. Samaritans gives you an outlet; it gives you the opportunity to talk about things in a non-judgmental way with people who only know as much or as little as you want to tell them. At the end of the day, to have Samaritans there whenever you need them is a game changer.